S2E10 - DAWN FRASER
Dawn Fraser:
You see Dwayne at the Special Olympics, you see him hugging the coaches, you see him giving a high five to the other athletes.
Tyler Greene:
Love it.
Dawn Fraser:
And I was like, "It's so not about winning." It was one of those moments where I was realizing so much more about what I thought I knew, and what I was actually learning from the simplicity of Dwayne's interactions and his life.
Tyler Greene:
Hello there, and welcome to This Is My Family. A podcast about building a life with the people you love. I'm your host Tyler Green, and I'm so glad that you're here. I'm raising a baby with my husband in California. I'm always fascinated by how we all make our families, and how those families end up making us. We here define family in the most inclusive way possible. Biological or chosen, I talk to my guests about the people who they call their family, and how that group has evolved over the course of their lives. For the season two finale of our podcast I wanted to introduce you dear listener, to someone who has been a recent addition to my chosen family. My friend Dawn Fraser, is an incredible storyteller. We found each other through the storytelling community. We both worked for a live storytelling event in public radio show called The Moth. But had never met until the pandemic.
She lives really close to me in the bay area of California. My husband, and son and I moved here in the midst of these strange pandemic times. We didn't really know anyone out here, and Dawn is an amazing human who let us into her life and her pandemic pod. And because both Dawn and I are vaccinated it means that for the first time ever on This Is My Family I got to be in the same room as the person I was talking to. So fun.
Dawn is a twin, which is a family bond we've never talked to someone on the show about before. And her experience is one in a million. Her twin brother has down syndrome and she does not. We'll talk about her relationship with her brother, what she's learned from him, how their relationship has evolved over time, but I started by asking her to paint a picture of what the Fraser house was like growing up back in the day.
Dawn Fraser:
The Fraser household growing up was a lot of fun, because there's never a lack of people around. My immediate family, there's four of us, so older brother, by about eight years. Older sister, about five years. And then myself and my twin brother, Dwayne. Dawn and Dwayne. Born at dawn, and then my mom had surprised my dad, not letting him know that there was going to be twins. And so, when my dad rolled up and he was like, "There's two babies? Oh my god." And they didn't have names yet.
Tyler Greene:
What a surprise.
Dawn Fraser:
I know. Could you imagine. She held that out against her husband.
Tyler Greene:
No.
Dawn Fraser:
For several months. But then they put on my wrist baby A, because I was born first and then on my twin brother, Dwayne, baby B. And my dad said, "Wait a minute. We're not putting no baby A and baby B." They were like, "This one was born at dawn, so name her Dawn." And then they did something that rhymed or something that was fancier. And so, they're like, "And Dwayne rhymes, so Dawn and Dwayne."
They took off baby A and baby B, and put Dawn and Dwayne. And so, that was the joy of our family, was my mom and dad were always playing jokes on each other or little pranks, including not even letting my father know that she was having twins. And then considering that we were a west Indian family in an area where there's not a lot of west Indians. There's Indians, there are some black people, but we were pretty much an area where it was mostly white or rural-ish.
Tyler Greene:
Where is this?
Dawn Fraser:
It's in San Jose.
Tyler Greene:
Okay.
Dawn Fraser:
But it's so far south San Jose, that technically we were in a different school district, which is called Morgan Hill.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, we're in San Jose. South San Jose, Morgan hill.
Dawn Fraser:
South San Jose. Right.
Tyler Greene:
What was going on around that time when you were younger? What other people were there, what was it like? Paint the picture of that spot.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. I should probably back up and let you know that my dad is the eldest of 11.
Tyler Greene:
Wow.
Dawn Fraser:
And my mom is the middle of about seven. My dad being the eldest meant that he wanted to bring a lot of his family from Trinidad and Tobago to the United States. We always had family that was either coming through or getting settled in California. The house always had extended family. If it wasn't my grandmother that was living with us at one point in time, then it was an auntie who was doing a wedding celebration at the house, or it was a bunch of cousins always running around and they put a pool in the backyard. Or it was always filled with some type of event, because my dad was like the headmaster for the family.
Dawn Fraser:
There was always people, there was always a lot of food, a lot of things that were happening. It always felt very Trinidadian inside of our little ecosystem on Chantilly Court.
Tyler Greene:
I was about to say, you better say the name of the street, because that's funny as hell. Chantilly Court could not be more suburban. "Where you live?" Chantilly Court.
Dawn Fraser:
Chantilly Court.
Tyler Greene:
You're a twin. Right?
Dawn Fraser:
Yes.
Tyler Greene:
Not a lot of people are twins. What are some of your earliest memories of being a twin?
Dawn Fraser:
Oh my gosh. The reason why I'm laughing, is because one of my earliest memories of being a twin is always wanting to wiggle his ears. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think I was doing this in the womb.
Tyler Greene:
Awe.
Dawn Fraser:
He would sit down on the steps of our house and I would sit next to him, and I would just take my fingers and gently flap his earlobe. And it was one of those things where he knew to expect that from me, and it would make me feel comfortable, if there was nothing else going on, if I didn't have to do homework or eat, or whatever. We were just chilling. I would just always flap Dwayne's ears. And from the earliest memory, I just remember sitting next to him and playing with his ears for the longest time. Until, we were probably damn near in junior high.
Dawn Fraser:
And then what do you know, when you start to become a little bit more conscious of your life, I started thinking to myself, "Why do I flap Dwayne's ears?"
Tyler Greene:
Comfort?
Dawn Fraser:
I think so. I think that, literally he was my womb mate. Right?
Tyler Greene:
You say womb mate.
Dawn Fraser:
My womb mate.
Tyler Greene:
That's really nice.
Dawn Fraser:
It's true though.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah. That's so sweet.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
I love that.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. I think that from jump it was that physical touch that made things really assuring for me as a baby.
Tyler Greene:
You didn't always realize that he was different from you though. Right?
Dawn Fraser:
One of my earliest memories with Dwayne, is we're sitting on top of the stairs and they were worried that we had gotten into one of the cabinets. You know how the childproof cabinets are these days?
Tyler Greene:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Dawn Fraser:
Apparently we had gotten into one of these drawers and my mom started freaking out, asking my dad if Dwayne had gotten to the Drano. And I didn't know what Drano was, and I didn't see him drinking anything. But I was too young to articulate anything.
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
I was like, "No. Dwayne didn't have any Drano. We're fine. We were just roaming around the hallway here."
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
I do remember moments like that when they were really worried about if something had happened. And that's when I started feeling like I might be the one who might need to look out for my twin brother.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
As opposed to just be my buddy or the one whose ears I would wiggle. You know? But actually that I might need to keep a little bit more of an eye on him, possibly help him out every now and then. You know?
Tyler Greene:
Yeah. When you were, what, how old were you?
Dawn Fraser:
About five or six.
Tyler Greene:
Five, six. Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
That makes sense.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. I didn't have a definition of normal, but I did have a sense that I was a little bit more like my older brother, and my older sister who would be required to look out for us. That as his twin I might also need to be looking out for him, also.
Tyler Greene:
I would love to hear you tell me about Dwayne. What is he like, and what does he like to do? And just tell me about him.
Dawn Fraser:
As children, he was always, always, always involved in the Special Olympics. And other social activities like the Boy Scouts. But the Special Olympics for me was our jam, because I was convinced I was going to be an olympian. I was the fastest in my school, I was the fastest in this region for the 800 and for the mile.
Tyler Greene:
Okay, champion.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah, that was my shit.
Tyler Greene:
Nice.
Dawn Fraser:
That was my shit. Saturday mornings I would have, either a cross country meet or a track and field meet. Afternoons Dwayne would have his meets or on Sundays. It was this back to back sports on the weekend. Dwayne was the one who was always really open and loving about the sports. And I was the one who was always super competitive about the sports.
I remember when my older brother and my older sister, myself and Dwayne became of age and realized that we liked running a lot. There was this one moment where my older brother wanted to race all of us. And so, we'd line up and we're sprinting towards this tree. Right? And I'm right on the heels of my older brother. And he's like, "Wait, wait, wait. We're going to race again." We're like, "Okay." We go back to the beginning of the race. He picks up Dwayne, and he puts Dwayne on his shoulders.
Well, not on his shoulders, but on his back, like piggy backing.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
And he was running with Dwayne, so that Dwayne can win the race instead of me, because obviously I was being a brat trying to outrace everybody.
Tyler Greene:
Because you got to win.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
Champion.
Dawn Fraser:
I got to be the champion.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
And then of course, Steven wins with Dwayne. Puts Dwayne over the finish line first. There was always these times where if it was racing or if it was playing Star Wars with those light sabers, I think that everybody from my parents, to my older brother and my older sister, I think that everybody tried to include Dwayne, as much as possible. Seeing how competitive I would be.
Tyler Greene:
Trying to help you out a little bit.
Dawn Fraser:
Totally.
Tyler Greene:
Those were always just backyard races though. Right? You and your twin brother were both track athletes and he actually competed in the Special Olympics. What was it like to watch those races?
Dawn Fraser:
There was this meet in Gilroy, which is the city, about two cities south from where we live. And Dwayne was racing in the Special Olympics. We must have been around 12, maybe 13 at this point in time. Dwayne is kicking ass in this race. He's smoked everybody. This was the 100 yard dash. He's done with the race and before he gets to the finish line he stops.
Tyler Greene:
Yes.
Dawn Fraser:
And we're all like, "Dwayne. Go. Just cross the line. Cross the line. Cross the line." And he doesn't. He waits for the other runners to catch up to him, and they pass the line first.
Tyler Greene:
Awe. That's so sweet.
Dawn Fraser:
Well, at the time I was like, I didn't know what the hell was going on. And I was like, "Is he helping out the other runners? Is he confused that he needs to cross first? Like we do as Fraser's. We win these races." I didn't know what the deal was. From that moment forward I was like, "I'm going to teach Dwayne how to finish strong, how to win." Because I was like, "Maybe he didn't know that he needed to cross the yellow line."
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
He doesn't really talk a whole lot. He understands a lot, but he doesn't always talk a lot. And so, I didn't know if he was confused, I didn't know if he was doing this out of generosity. I was just confused. I was just confused.
Tyler Greene:
Did you ever figure it out?
Dawn Fraser:
No.
Tyler Greene:
No.
Dawn Fraser:
No. But I did figure out what it meant for me later on in life, which was that A, it wasn't about winning. You see Dwayne at the Special Olympics, you see him hugging the coaches, you see him giving a high five to the other athletes.
Tyler Greene:
Love it.
Dawn Fraser:
And I was like, "It's so not about winning." It was one of those moments where I was realizing so much more about what I thought I knew and what I was actually learning from the simplicity of Dwayne's interactions and his life.
Tyler Greene:
I'm just curious too, how do you communicate? You said he doesn't talk a lot, so how do the two of you communicate then and now? And I have seen you interact, so I know that you speak to each other, but just for the listener too.
Dawn Fraser:
I mean, it's very verbal, but at the same time it's a lot of clarifying to make sure that he's understanding what it is that we want him to do. And sometimes it's really challenging, because we may not have a full picture of what's going on. I remember, for example, when he went to a transition to independent living program when I went to UCLA.
Dawn Fraser:
And so, transition to independent living means you're learning to cook for yourself, to clean for yourself, to take care of your bills.
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
And one of the first places that he lived in on his own was a transition house with other people who have down syndrome. And there was this one day where it's still unclear as to what happened, but he was out grocery shopping and I don't know if somebody thought that he was lost or that something was wrong with him. It's not really sure what happened.
But somebody called the police, and the police were like, "Okay, well where does he live? Who's responsible for him?" And he'll say basic things like, he'll give the address or he'll say what his mom's name is and that kind of stuff. And it was one of those situations where we didn't know what his version of the story was. We didn't know if he was looking for something, If he had asked a question.
And sometimes we don't ever get full clarity as to what was going on. Of course, this was probably just some white woman calling the police on somebody that she was threatened by, which makes no sense. But it was also the reason why my mom, after a while was like, "Okay. You know what? Instead of him living in a transition home with other people with special needs let's just have him live under my roof."
Going back to your question about communication, because there isn't a lot of words we just have to ask a lot of questions, we have to ask and make sure that he understands. He's very routine oriented, so you give him a routine, you give him a task, he knows what to do it, on what day.
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
He follows calendars, he loves having structure.
Tyler Greene:
Nice. Structure.
Dawn Fraser:
And daily tasks.
Tyler Greene:
Me too. Me too.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. As long as that's articulated, in terms of what we want him to do, and whatever he needs, but it's not always clear when confusions pop up, if you will.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah. You started eluding to some lessons you learned from him about embracing the joy of the moment, not getting caught into needing to win, but just the fact that somebody is there. Being joyful and connecting with another human. Oh my gosh. That's enough. What else, if anything have you learned from your brother?
Dawn Fraser:
He loves babies, if you bring over Sammy, he will walk around with Sammy and not put him down, if he's allowed to.
Tyler Greene:
Awe.
Dawn Fraser:
And I remember when I first started being around my friend's babies I would be really worried about holding them. I was like, "This baby weighs four pounds. I'm so nervous around little, tiny ones." Now, I'm a little bit better, but I do remember watching the way that Dwayne was just so embracing and so loving of little kids. That I was like, "Okay. I need to take a note on holding and being present." Because, babies probably feel all that energy.
Tyler Greene:
Oh, yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
That's the one thing I remember learning from Dwayne, is just watching how he was so gentle and confident with children, that I could do that too. I just needed to get out of my mind that I was going to drop this baby or that something was going to happen to this baby. I also loved the way that he, when he would hug my dad, especially my dad, he would never let go.
Dawn Fraser:
He's a hugger. And then somebody told me about this quote, "When you give a hug never be the first to let go." And I was like, "Oh, that's what he's been doing in practice, not just in theory."
Tyler Greene:
God, if I could just do one of those things I think my life would be improved. I mean, even with Sam it's like he's there in front of me, but if I'm thinking about work or I'm thinking about something else, and it's just like I constantly am reminding myself, "Remember, this is your son. And he doesn't care about all that other stuff."
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. And he'll remember these moments of, "Dad. Daddy." Just being present.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
Holding him. Carrying him around. Having fun.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
It's you and your three siblings growing up. Right?
Dawn Fraser:
Yes.
Tyler Greene:
But then you have all this extended family.
Dawn Fraser:
My dad being from a family of 11, and my mom being from a family of seven, I wanted to get to know more of them. And so, after grad school in the Cambridge area in Boston, I decided I wasn't quite ready to move back to California, so I went down to New York City, Brooklyn. Brooklyn in the house.
And that's where I really got a good chance to connect with so many more of the family who had not yet immigrated from New York to California, or had stayed in New York. And that was the beginning of me also understanding so much of my own heritage, being first generation, being around other west Indians, other Trinidadians. And so, it was cool to be able to get to really step into a space where there's a whole crew of other Trinidadians, to be able to go get the food.
One of my responsibilities when I came from New York to California, every single Christmas time was to wrap up some Trinidadian food from New York to bring to California, to San Jose. Not because we can't get pigs feet, and ox tail, and these kinds that we eat for Christmas time. But just because there's such a huge mecca of Trinidadians in New York, that we just know that it's going to be fresher, it's going to be put the way that it's as close as it is on the islands as possible.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. Every single Christmas time I would bring roti skin, and pigs feet, and salt fish, and rum cake. Black cake. I mean, I would have more food in my luggage, than I would actually have of clothing. It was insane.
Tyler Greene:
What does a celebration look like in your family?
Dawn Fraser:
A celebration is always a lot of people, and a lot of food, but never a bother. And because our house, It was a little bit bigger there was just a lot of events. It was a hub. It was a space where we could always get together, watch soccer games. They became acclimated to the states and started following football, American football and basketball. There's always just a lot food, and a lot of people, a lot of rum. A lot of rum. And good times.
Tyler Greene:
Dawn's family is back in California. She's on the east coast, and they've developed this tradition of Dawn bringing food home to California for the holidays, until one year the whole family decided to do Christmas back in Trinidad and Tobago.
Dawn Fraser:
After all of these years of coming back and forth, back and forth between New York to California. I think it was probably my fourth year in New York where my mom was like, "We're going to be going to Trinidad and Tobago for Christmas." I was relieved, because I was like, "Oh great. I don't have to bring any roti skin. I don't have to bring any pigs feet. I don't have to bring any of this stuff. Those salt fish."
Tyler Greene:
It's all there.
Dawn Fraser:
It's all there. We're going to be in Trinidad and Tobago.
Tyler Greene:
The source.
Dawn Fraser:
Exactly. Exactly. But then she flips the script. She flips the script and she was like, "Okay. Now I need you to bring a 20." I think it was a 20 to 30 pound turkey from Pathmark or any grocery store that I could find in New York City, and bring a turkey to Trinidad. And I was like, "Why would I do that? There's got to be turkeys in Trinidad. There has to be."
She's like, "No, but you know they turkeys are this small and they don't have these big, big plump turkeys." I was like, "Oh my gosh. You've got to be kidding me." Instead, now here I am with a huge, huge ass turkey in my backpack. I literally asked my mom, "Mom, am I allowed to take a turkey into a different country?" Going from New York to California is one thing.
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
I don't know if I need to declare a turkey.
Tyler Greene:
That's the name of this episode. Declaring a turkey with Dawn.
Dawn Fraser:
I literally have no clue. And I was like, "Mom, this might be foul play." You get it? Foul play.
Tyler Greene:
That's getting cut.
Dawn Fraser:
Oh my gosh. Yeah. Sure enough, I get to immigration and this turkey, which was supposed to be deep frozen. And it was deep frozen, but I mean, after 12 hours of travel it's not going to be as deep frozen as it was when I started this whole thing. And it starts getting a little juicy. It's getting a little damp up in there. Customs people ask me, they're like do I have anything to declare? Once again, I don't know if I'm supposed to declare a turkey.
I know I'm supposed to declare plants, and I was supposed to declare other things like that.
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
But a turkey? So, I say no. And they're like, "Okay, great." I know I'm in the clear, but I still need to get to Tobago, which is the smaller island of the two, so I have to get on another plane. One of those two propeller jets. Land in Scarborough.
Tyler Greene:
Turkey dripping.
Dawn Fraser:
Turkey's dripping at this point.
Tyler Greene:
Oh my gosh.
Dawn Fraser:
And I still have about another hour and half, two hours on a windy, windy cliff side road up into this little, tiny village on the northeast corner of Tobago. And I finally, finally get there and I was like, "I've got the turkey. It's here." They're like, "Okay. Quick, quick, quick. Put it in the freezer."
Tyler Greene:
You did it.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
You like to win.
Dawn Fraser:
But get this, though. All the sudden, because not only were we there for Christmas, but it was also my cousins wedding. My other cousin from New York had brought a three layer cake. A three layer wedding cake from New York. Somehow or another it survived either an overhead luggage or on his lap. I don't even know. A three layer cake, brought it from New York City for the wedding.
Tyler Greene:
Oh my god. Did you all eat the turkey?
Dawn Fraser:
We had the turkey, the cake came out amazing. My sister had brought a ham also from the United States.
Tyler Greene:
There's more.
Dawn Fraser:
There's more. Tyler, there was so much food I thought that I was the only one in the family who was responsible for always bringing all this food back and forth, and back and forth, back and forth. And all of the sudden I realized that my entire family does this.
Tyler Greene:
More with Dawn Fraser, in just a minute. If you're enjoying this episode I hope you'll follow wherever you're listening. I love hearing about how people build chosen family, especially when they fly the nest and start living far from wherever they grew up. That's a big part of Dawn's story. After growing up in California she lived on the east coast for 14 years in New York and Boston.
Tyler Greene:
She built tons of community and chosen family there, especially in the storytelling community. And another that's tied to her martial arts tradition.
Dawn Fraser:
I have so many different versions of chosen family.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
And I think it's not only based off of ethnicity, but it's also based off of creative passions.
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
If you ask any of my South Asian friends who I am, they would say that I'm family. I have a crew of South Asians that I roll with. Right? But I also have a crew of Latinos, mostly Mexican and Columbian, that I also roll with. And then I have a whole crew of other west Indians, Jamaicans, Trinidadians, Basians, that I also roll with.
Tyler Greene:
What's Basians?
Dawn Fraser:
Oh, from Barbados.
Tyler Greene:
Oh, okay. Good.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
I learned it.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
[crosstalk 00:26:29]. I literally was like bay area Asians?
Dawn Fraser:
Bay area Asians.
Tyler Greene:
I was like, what? That's cute.
Dawn Fraser:
I have a crew of bay area Asians as well. I also have a crew of just queer women of color. Right? And when people see that there's a lot of overlap, that I'm a part of all these crews that are crews in and of themselves, they always ask me, "How? You have so many beautiful connections with these people." And I don't know what it is, but my chosen family has always been deep communities of color, queer communities, and then of course storytellers.
Tyler Greene:
Are there people or specific stories from the chosen family universe, specifically in the New York chapter, that you think of to give us a sense of who are some of the strongest bonds that you had, and what does that look like for you now? You're sitting here with me in my room in San Jose, so when I ask you the question about chosen family, who's face do you see?
Dawn Fraser:
Wow. I mean, okay it's a mixed bag between the storytellers and the capoeira community. I start off with capoeira.
Tyler Greene:
Can you define what capoeira is?
Dawn Fraser:
Oh, yeah. Capoeira is a Afro Brazilian martial art. It's origins are in Angola. Capoiera is, it's a cult family, because it's very much you have a master. We call our, or [inaudible 00:28:05] in Portuguese. Or our mestre. Right? We have a master. It's very Asian in that there's one person that's the head of this crew. Right?
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
But then because it is a martial art we're there with each other almost on a daily basis. Sometimes five days a week training for many hours. Training our mind, training our body, training our soul. And so, you can imagine that the people who are drawn to this, the people who are in it, they automatically become, they become family.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
We spent so much time traveling with each other, going to each other's events. I spent almost every single thanksgiving in New York City at one of my capoeira family members houses. And she's Asian, from the bay area. We would not have known each other, had it not been for capoeira. I feel like there was such a strong bond with my capoeira chosen family in New York. It wasn't until I started getting mid 30s, where my body was telling me that all the squatting, all the flipping, all the handstands, that kind of stuff might need to chill.
Tyler Greene:
Tone it down.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. And also, I realized that the time that I was using at night time for training and whatnot, I could also be telling stories, or I could also be writing poems, or doing something else that was also creative. That was a little bit less strenuous on my knees and my body. And so, that's when I started looking into other ways of creatively expressing myself. And that's when I found the storytelling community. The Moth, and Story Studio, and Risk, and all these shows that are based in New York City, that I would remember going to a show and be feeling like, "Oh my god. I know this person. I know this Adam character, or I know this dude."
Tyler Greene:
Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
And I didn't. I had just been hanging out in the storytelling scene enough to feel like I knew their stories. And it felt weird to not also share mine. Little by little I started sharing my own story on stages, volunteering.
Tyler Greene:
What is it about you and having these various groups of chosen family. Right? You've described, I mean obviously you live in New York, and there's a lot going on, lots of opportunity to build community. But it just sounds a little bit to me like you are a friend adventurer. Or you're trying to explore culture through people, and you're drawn to that. And so, I'm just curious what it is about you that creates these chosen families in the way that you have?
Dawn Fraser:
That's a good question. I think what it is about me, is growing up knowing that I was black, knowing that we were immigrant black, knowing that we were in a area where I felt most comfortable around Mexicanos. Latinos. Knowing that there was a flavor to the foods that I love, that was South Asian, and realizing that whenever we went back to Trinidad and Tobago, that it was all of these things.
There was all of these cultures, that I felt very interested in studying languages, so I ended up living this life where I learned Spanish by living in Mexico for almost a year. And then living in Brazil, because I wanted to know about other people from the diaspora. Other Africans who were in Brazil, or Trinidad, or Jamaica, or New Orleans, or the United States.
I think that me, I was always curious about, "How did my family get to Trinidad? And then how did my family get from Trinidad to New York? And then from New York to California? And how has that played a role in everything that I am?" I think that I've started to gravitate towards all these different groups, because I've lived in different spaces once I had that opportunity to.
Brazil became a third home after California and Trinidad, because I saw so much of them in me, the mixed blood between African and European, or African and something else. My case, African and Indian, which is how I have this kinky, but stringy hair. For me, it's always been, I love infusing myself into other places, because I go to Brazil, people automatically think that I'm Brazilian. And I speak the language good enough where, unless we [inaudible 00:33:05] conversation you're not going to know that I'm American.
When I was living in Mexico it was a little bit more of a stretch, because I don't look as Mexican, unless I'm in a particular area of Mexico where there's really dark skinned people. And I've spent a lot of time in India. Not a lot of time, but more than several months.
Tyler Greene:
A world traveler.
Dawn Fraser:
I do a lot of travel, but that's my family. Those are the people that, they're all these different mixes of people. I had to find out who I was. And so, through the languages, through the travel, I just always connected with these groups of people. So, I would say that the chosen family had so much to do with my own families migration pattern.
Tyler Greene:
Wow. That's so interesting.
Dawn Fraser:
I never thought about it like that, but yeah.
Tyler Greene:
And now she's back home. Home, home. Living in her mother's house, in her childhood bedroom. I had to know what that feels like, and how her relationship with her parents is different now.
Dawn Fraser:
Everything has changed, and everything's the same. Growing up I was convinced that my mom, more so than my dad, but my mom had us to do chores. I was convinced, because I would always be, if it wasn't my brother, or my sister, or my twin, we were always doing chores around the house.
And not regular shit. I know that some people get paid to mow the lawn, or they get paid to wash the dishes.
Tyler Greene:
Right. Yeah.
Dawn Fraser:
We would be under the house where there's no basement, but under this tiny, little area to fix an air vent going out from the dryer. Or we'd be on top of the roof cleaning out gutters. We don't do regular shit.
Tyler Greene:
You do the stuff we're supposed to hire a contractor for.
Dawn Fraser:
Exactly. Exactly.
Tyler Greene:
You had time for all that. You do it.
Dawn Fraser:
No. And that's why they had us. I was convinced. I was like, "They had us to do these chores."
Tyler Greene:
Listen.
Dawn Fraser:
And I'm sure this is how it was in Trinidad. You don't hire people. You find somebody in the house to do it.
Tyler Greene:
Just do it. Right.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah. At first, it was very much like, "Okay, this is just a temporary stop." Little by little this was like, "Okay, this is going to be a longer stop." And then with COVID it was, "Okay, this is going to be a stop for a lot longer than expected." It's gone through different phases from being like, "Okay, this is home." To, "This is home with the expectation I'll be out of here pretty quickly." To now, "Okay, this is home. I'm back under my mom's roof. I'm back under my mom's rules, but I'm an adult and I need to both create space to do my own professional work, but I also know that she's older." And that's the reason why I came back home, was to make sure that I'm looking out for her, I'm looking out for Dwayne, and that I'm looking out for my older brother who has a son, who has cerebral palsy. And a couple other sons as well. And a daughter.
So much more of the family is now here, and there's also a lot of potential long-term need, and a lot of long-term care, so getting settled back in the house has been stepping more into that adult role, "Okay, what happens in case anything happens to my mom? Who's responsible for Dwayne?" Those are all conversations that we're having, in terms of what the family would look like if god forbid something happens to my mom.
There's no thought of even having him be anywhere aside from with some member of the family.
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
You know?
Tyler Greene:
Right.
Dawn Fraser:
Even though he's been my mom's primary responsibility since birth, there's an understanding that he wouldn't be anywhere else, but aside from with me, or my sister, or my brother.
Tyler Greene:
I have one last question, and it's not really a question, it's more of a comment. I just have such gratitude for you, because this year has been so hard and weird.
Dawn Fraser:
It's only 2021. It's only the beginning.
Tyler Greene:
Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. This actual 14 months or whatever that I've lived in California.
Dawn Fraser:
Oh, got it. Got it.
Tyler Greene:
I actually can't even remember how we found each other.
Dawn Fraser:
It was through Facebook. I remember you posted on Facebook saying, it was a picture of you, Sammy, and it said something like, "In San Jose, beautiful view from our place." And I think I just hit you up saying, "What are you doing in San Jose?"
Tyler Greene:
Very good, novel question.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah, because it was right when I was also coming back.
Tyler Greene:
We have friends in common.
Dawn Fraser:
Friends in common.
Tyler Greene:
Then we went to go get bagels.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
We had so much fun. We were laughing, and we were talking shit, and talking about podcasting. And then suddenly we were just in a pod. But I guess what I'm just saying is, how cool that this happened to us. And now we get to do this at the end of the season of the thing that I made during the pandemic. Yeah. I just appreciate you being open and fun.
Dawn Fraser:
Awe. Well, it's cool that we get to be a pod together. A pod on talking on a podcast. First time.
Tyler Greene:
There you go again with those jokes. You got jokes. Got good jokes.
Dawn Fraser:
Yeah.
Tyler Greene:
All right. Well, thank you so much.
Dawn Fraser:
Thank you.
Tyler Greene:
Dawn is such a great human, and I am so grateful I've gotten to know her during the pandemic. And that she was generous enough to share her story with all of us. As the pandemic fog starts to lift I know Dawn will stay a part of my chosen family. But I also know that this is a big moment of transition for a lot of us as we get vaccinated and venture back into the world, I think it's going to be important to rebuild our connections with people in an intentional way.
Life is short, time is precious, the pandemic has made all those delicious cliches feel sharper and more true. Right? Who do we really want to spend time with? Who challenges us? Supports us? And helps us be the people we want to be?
Who makes us laugh? Dawn makes me laugh. My husband and my son make me laugh all the time. My mom makes me laugh. I want to be more present with the people in my life. When I'm lucky to see more friends and family in person again, I want to really soak them in. I'm thinking about this a lot lately. Pause and be present. Whatever the hell it is you want to say.
When I have conversations with people for this podcast or just in everyday life I want to lean in and learn as much as I can. I can't believe I'm saying this, but this episode wraps up season two of our podcast. We are hard at work figuring out what our next steps will be, and trust and believe we will be here for you in some way in the future.
I just want to take this moment to express my sincere gratitude to all of you who have been listening to the show throughout the last year. This show, from our production team, my chosen family, to you who are listening, is such an important part of my chosen family too. And I'm getting emotional, just because man, I don't know what I would have done without this show.
It has cracked open a creativity for me and the people in my creative pod, that I never even imagined. And I just want to thank you for spending some time with me, and the fascinating people I've talked to.
Latrice Royal:
There was just something about his queerness, and his gender presentation. I just felt this huge amount of feelings that I didn't know what they were, or what to do with them. And as soon as the film ended, and the credits rolled I just burst into tears and I could not stop crying. And my mom was just with me, and trying to console me, and asking me, "What's wrong?" But gently, and I finally just said, "Is it okay to think a boy is pretty?" And she just hugged me and said, "Yeah."
Shereen:
I know my parents wanted to give some sort of gift of my father's ancestry and heritage to me. And so, they were like, "Yes, Shereen, it makes sense and it makes sense for a few reasons. It makes sense because it's easy for Americans to pronounce, much easier than Marisol." And my mom didn't want me to be called Marisol, like arisol. She just couldn't deal with that.
Speaker 5:
I had a secret surgery. Spinal cord tumor removal surgery. And I told my mom, and of course they were crying and I told them the story of Tyler taking care of me. That was the breakthrough moment, basically. I think in my relationship with Tyler, and my relationship with my parents.
Speaker 6:
And she said, "I've given for 50, 60, 70 years. I don't want to give for a while." And I thought, "Huh? Yeah. You're right. You don't have to give anything to anyone anymore, actually. You can just take." And why not?
Speaker 7:
I am forever grateful for my royal court, because those are the ones who block out the hate for me. I don't have to do much work, whether it's my guardian angels or my angels that are here. My cyber angels, "You not going to talk bad about my Latrice." That's the way they are, but what I stand for, I stand for right and righteousness. And so, if you're not about that, then yeah, no, I'm not your cup of tea. If you are a hater, then no. I'm not your cup of tea.
Tyler Greene:
I still cannot believe I got to talk to Latrice Royal, in my closet. And BenDeLaCreme, and meet Sam Walker, and all of you incredible people. Thank you so much, and thank you especially to today's guest, Dawn Fraser. You can find out all about Dawn at dawnjfraser, spelled F-R-A-S-E-R, .com. And you can find us, This Is My Family on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @TIMFShow. Our website is timfshow.com.
Tyler Greene:
This show is a production of thestoryproducer.com. And I want to take a second to thank each and every one of the people who have spent time with me on this project, and helped bring it to life. First of all, the always kind and imaginative Katie Klocksin, who handles our story edits. There first draft of these shows. Then the detailed and delightful Jackie Ball, who bats cleanup and sorts through all of the tiny, little, meticulous details that need to be softened and cleaned up.
Tyler Greene:
And we've got the professor of drag, and the wisest person I know, Bea Bosco. Who helps us, really on whatever we need. And then we have our senior producer, the creative mind without which the show would not have happened. She is the heartbeat of This Is My Family. Tricia Bobeda. And then there's Adam Yoffe. Who always answers my calls and never once complains. He edits and mixes this thing. And finally, the one who I've really known the longest out of this rag tag crew, and the epitome of class, grace, and musical prowess. Andrew Edwards. Our composer.
Tyler Greene:
And last, but certainly not least our art director is my beautiful, handsome, sexy husband [inaudible 00:45:13]. If you connected to this show, listen folks. Share it with a friend. Word of mouth is how we amplify these stories, and that is the point. Spread the, This Is My Family love. And thank you once again, so much, for listening over the course of this year. I'm Tyler Greene, and until next time stay beautiful and messy. And get your vaccine. Is the podcast all done, Sam?
Sam:
All done.